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Part 3
OFFICIAL SCRIPT By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma PART 3: Cut to Manfred, Badass, Thongledore in a four seat booth in a diner. They are eating breakfast. THONGLEDORE (talking to Badass): You gonna finish that sausage? Pause BADASS: But I didn’t order any saus…. oh…. Cut back to Thongledore vigorously chugging a glass of milk. It is dribbling down his beard and he is making extremely weird sounds. Badass tries to ignore and turns to Manfred. BADASS: Shouldn’t we, like, start, you know, looking for McGregor or Peter or something? MANFRED (while choking down a Salisbury steak): You know, I’m pretty tired after that 5 minute walk over here. So, I think I’m gonna call it a day. We’ll just look for them some other time. It’s not like they’re just going to crash through the ceiling and say “Hi”. Suddenly, McGregor crashes through the ceiling and lands next to Badass. McGregor acts like nothing happening and just starts eating. After a bit, he looks up. MCGREGOR: Hi. BADASS: McGregor!! It’s so awesome to see you! How’s it going?! He pats McGregor on the back. McGregor looks pissed MCGREGOR: Do I look happy to see you? Quickly flash to McGregor smiling. BADASS (uncertainly): Yes? MCGREGOR: Well, you’re dead fuckin’ wrong! Badass just kinda looks away, sees Thongledore still slurping along. Badass just shakes his head. The waiter comes by, looks at the giant hole in the ceiling and the pile of rubble on the ground. WAITER: Uhh, you know you’re going to have to pay for that. MCGREGOR: Does it look like I’m gonna pay for that? He pulls out his wallet and starts flipping through some dollar bills. WAITER (uncertainly): Yes? MCGREGOR: Well, you’re dead fuckin’ wrong! McGregor then chucks a cup of boiling hot coffee at the waiter’s face, scalding him. He screams in agony. The other guests in the diner look on. One old British couple sees them and the man stands up. He has a monocle, an old-timey British outfit, and a pocketwatch. OLD BRITISH MAN (with hilarious Cockney accent): Good lord, he’s gone mad!! MCGREGOR (shouts): I’m the good guy! OLD BRITISH MAN: Oh , I see, then. Jolly good chap. Continue doing whatever it is you are currently doing, which happens to be throwing boiling liquid at people’s faces. This is blooming brilliant! Wot wot wot wot wot! Hoh HOH HOH HOH! I’m having such a jolly wheeze!! HOH hoh hoh! BIG BEN!!!! BAH HAH! God save the queen and/or king!!! HEH HeH HEH!!!! It is funny because I am cockney!! British man lets out one last wheezing laugh, then sits down and sips some tea. The waiter is still screaming and writhing on the floor. MANFRED: So, McGregor, what have you been up to? MCGREGOR: Oh, you know, same old same old. MANFRED: Killing innocent civilians and exterminating entire species of wildlife? MCGREGOR: Nah, I’m saving that for later. I’m been chasing my arch nemesis, General Payne. BADASS: What is this, a movie? Everybody in the diner abruptly stops what they’re doing, including the waiter, and looks directly at the camera for several seconds. Silence. Then suddenly resume activities, eating, talking, writhing in pain, etc. MCGREGOR: He stole what was mine… and you don’t wanna mess with me. I’m McGregor. MANFRED (annoyed): Yes, we know. You constantly say that. MCGREGOR: Just trying to remind you is all. Manfred looks at the rubble and sees the jetpack that McGregor fell in. Imprinted on the side is the logo “BiTC”. MANFRED: BiTC…. (pronounced “bit see”), where’ve I seen this before….. BiTC… ..BiTC….. (echoes into a broken flashback where everything is foggy and blurred, a faint broken voice is heard) VOICE: ……..th………g…….or...BiTC….. BiTC….. BiTC (echoes back into the present) THONGLEDORE: What’re you thinking about Manfred?! His face is right up on the screen. Manfred backs off. MANFRED: I’ve seen this logo before… eh it’s ok. The screaming waiter is still screaming. MANFRED: Could you please take that outside? WAITER (wearily): Ok He crawls out through the door. Suddenly, his phone (a brick cell phone) rings. MANFRED: Ahoy hoy! IDBHoD is on the other line DEEP VOICE GUY: We’ve received recent intel that might lead you to Peter Peroxide. Word has it that there’s a new drug lord in Cuba that goes by the name El Diablo Peroxido… MANFRED: what. DEEP VOICE GUY: Yeah, I know. He’s enlisting some mercenaries from some South American base that we may believe have ties to the Andybird. You find those mercenaries, you get your bird. MANFRED: Alright, I guess we’re going to Jolly Old Cuba. In the background, Old British Man shouts “jolly good” DEEP VOICE GUY: The fate of the world rests solely on your shoulders, Manfred…. And a little on McGregor’s. Fuck the other two. Now you must go find (suddenly awesome Spanish accent, sounds a little scary) El Diablo… MANFRED (matter-of-factly): You mean Peter? DEEP VOICE GUY (normal voice): Yes…… ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- MANFRED: Are you doing that stupid waving your hands thing to seem more scary? Pause, phone hangs up, dial tone. Manfred looks up, pushes in the giant antenna, cut.